Your dog isn’t just sleeping on the job—they’ve been building a career out of loving you, and their qualifications are impressive.
PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY Dedicated security specialist and emotional support provider with 7 years of experience defending territory against squirrels, delivery personnel, and suspicious trash cans. Committed to maintaining household morale through strategic tail wagging and unconditional affection. Exceptional ability to detect when humans need comfort without them having to ask. Seeking position where my skills in loyalty, enthusiasm, and food motivation can be fully utilized.
CORE COMPETENCIES
- Advanced alert system (barking ranges from “someone three blocks away sneezed” to “IMMEDIATE DANGER: Amazon package”)
- Intuitive understanding of human emotional states
- Selective hearing (particularly when recall commands conflict with interesting scents)
- Olympic-level napping (can achieve REM sleep in under 30 seconds)
- Unparalleled excitement generation (capable of achieving same enthusiasm for 1,000th walk as for 1st walk)
PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE
HOME SECURITY SPECIALIST | THE JOHNSON RESIDENCE | 2018-PRESENT
- Maintain 24/7 surveillance of property perimeter with particular focus on mail carrier activities
- Implemented innovative “bark first, ask questions never” protocol, reducing squirrel intrusions by estimated 97%
- Developed comprehensive window monitoring system, alerting household to passing dogs, falling leaves, and own reflection
- Successfully intimidated vacuum cleaner into submission through strategic growling and tactical retreats
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT PROVIDER | THE JOHNSON FAMILY | 2018-PRESENT
- Detect human sadness with 99.8% accuracy, providing immediate face-licking interventions
- Consistently position body between humans and electronic devices during periods of excessive screen time
- Pioneered revolutionary “lean heavily against legs until petting occurs” technique
- Maintain constant physical contact during thunderstorms (for human comfort, obviously not personal fear)
FLOOR CLEANING CONSULTANT | KITCHEN OPERATIONS | 2018-PRESENT
- Eliminated need for vacuum under dining table through thorough tongue-based cleaning system
- Developed rapid response protocol for fallen food items (average response time: 0.3 seconds)
- Consistently identified and removed food particles too small for human detection
- Provided quality control services for all meals through persistent observation and drooling
EDUCATION & TRAINING
- Obedience School Dropout (creative differences with instructor)
- Self-taught in advanced begging techniques (mastered “sad eyes” by 12 weeks of age)
- Continuing education in counter surfing (advanced practitioner)
- Doctorate in Squirrel Studies (field research ongoing)
REFERENCES
- Mail Carrier (will provide terrified testimonial upon request)
- Local Squirrel Population (reference letters pending successful capture)
- The Cat (willing to acknowledge my existence for proper compensation)
- All Humans Who Have Said “Who’s A Good Boy” (extensive list available)
NOTE TO PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYERS: Compensation negotiable but must include belly rubs, treat allowance, and designated couch space. Working from home strongly preferred.
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Next time you find yourself updating your LinkedIn profile, remember—your dog already has the most important job qualifications figured out: showing up consistently, loving unconditionally, and finding joy in the smallest moments.
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